


The Burglary

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius, Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:25:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2646818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you're going to try to burgle Lord Heversham of Blackrigg Hall, it is as well to recall that he used to be just plain Ardsley Wooster, master spy.</p>
<p>And you probably need to be even more worried about his butler...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Burglary

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much just a drabble, but it was fun to write; I may incorporate it into something longer one day.

Something went bump in the night.

Lord Heversham of Blackrigg Hall woke immediately and reached under his pillow for his gun. Here, in this tranquil corner of England where he had established himself at least until the war on the Continent was over, the most likely explanation for odd nocturnal noises was the cat. However, he had had an interesting and often highly dangerous career, and he had not lived as long as he had by working on obvious assumptions.

He quickly slipped into the red silk paisley dressing gown his uncle and aunt had sent from Lucknow, opened the door of his bedroom, and stepped out silently onto the landing. Naturally, there was a torch ready in the dressing gown's pocket. Earldom or no earldom, he was still Ardsley Wooster, diplomat and former spy. The only real difference was that he was now nearly forty, and somewhat more inclined to be annoyed if someone disturbed his night's sleep.

Miss Drummond, the children's nurse, appeared at the other end of the landing wearing a huge woollen shawl over her nightgown and a determined expression; she was brandishing the nursery poker in a way that warmed his lordship's heart. Nobody would get near Lady Agatha and Lady Alice if she had any say in the matter. He raised a finger to his lips, then moved along the landing like a shadow and whispered in her ear, “Did you see anything, Miss Drummond?”

“No, my lord,” she replied. “But there was a noise.”

“Indeed there was. I suggest you go back in the nursery; I'm going to go and rouse Forrest.”

“Aye, weel, if it's burglars I'm sure he'll be very handy,” said Miss Drummond loftily.

Lord Heversham stifled a grin. Miss Drummond disapproved of Matthew Forrest to the depths of her Scottish Calvinist soul, but there was absolutely no denying that he was the perfect butler. Well, just so long as one kept a close eye on him when there were guests around, of course. He was not exactly a great respecter of rank or title.

It was one of the many reasons why Lord Heversham liked him.

He felt his way cautiously downstairs; it was almost pitch dark in the house, but there was a little starlight from outside, enough to show any movement against a window. All the way down, he was straining his ears. One sound out of place, and the torch and gun would be aimed together in almost a single movement.

Forrest had the usual butler's pantry downstairs, and a small but comfortable set of rooms over it. He was not in any of them, but his bed showed signs of having been very recently and hurriedly vacated. Ah, thought Lord Heversham. Good. He's ahead of me this time. I'd better go and see who he's found... before he damages them too much.

There was a muffled yell. Since this clearly came from outdoors, Lord Heversham did not hesitate to switch on the torch and use it to make a swift check around the most likely windows. It took him only a few minutes to find the attempted point of entry. Some of the panes of one of the kitchen windows were cracked, and, while he was not in the habit of going into the kitchen, he knew that the damage would have been reported if it had been there earlier. He wrapped the dressing gown more closely about him and went out through the back door. Ah, yes. There were splinters on the outside window sill. A crowbar, if he was not mistaken.

There was, as yet, no sign of the crowbar, the intruder, or indeed the butler. There was, however, a loud splash. Well, that definitely narrowed things down.

He wandered over towards the ornamental fish pond, lighting his way with the torch. As he approached, he heard Forrest's familiar voice. “Oh, there you are, yer lordship. Caught a burglar.”

“I did rather think that might be the case,” said Lord Heversham. He shone his torch across the pond. A bedraggled figure picked its way out of it. “Ah. I think it only courteous to warn you that I am armed.”

“Aye, all right,” said a sulky voice. “I won't make any more trouble.”

“Now, Forrest,” said Lord Heversham, “naturally, I must congratulate you on your speed and courage in this matter, but I wonder if you'd mind just answering a small question for me?”

“Oh, you want to know how I nabbed him so fast?” asked Forrest.

“Not exactly that. I'm aware of your excellent reflexes, and you were, of course, much closer to the scene of the attempted entry than I was. I would just like to know exactly what the intruder is doing in the fish pond.”

“Well, you know how it is, yer lordship,” said Forrest innocently.

“Usually I do, but in this case I'm not quite certain how it is,” Lord Heversham replied. “I saw where he tried to break in. One of the kitchen windows. Now I'm sure I need not point out that that is some distance from this spot, and I might also add that I heard the splash while I was looking at the outside of the window checking for splinters. So perhaps you might care to fill in the missing pieces of information here?”

“Ah!” said Forrest wisely. “Well now, if you'd just said that, yer lordship. See, obviously, I don't have to tell you he'd got a crowbar, and when I jumped him, he went for me with it, like he would. Like anyone would if they'd got a crowbar and someone jumped them. Now me, I can deal with a crowbar right enough, same as you can. I mean, it's basic stuff and all that. But then he pulls out an axe, well, that took me aback a bit, simply because anyone that's got the first clue what they're doing wouldn't carry an axe like that, I mean, you can have your... that is, you can make a eunuch of yourself if you're not careful. So I thinks to meself, if he's got an axe where you wouldn't expect, then God knows what else he's got shoved down his clothes in some stupid place, I'd best get him well away from the house. O'course, by this time I've got his crowbar, so we're at it hammer and tongs all down the path there, and then he realises he's getting nowhere with the axe and pulls a gun on me. By this time I was pretty much expecting that, and I'd got him as far as the pond, so I just punched him one in the... in the guts, and he doubled over and went in the pond, gun and all.” He paused, grinning smugly. “Don't think he'll be firing that for a while.”

“I see,” said Lord Heversham. “Well done, Forrest. Would you please go and hand him over to the local constabulary now?”

“Can I duff him up a bit first?” asked Forrest hopefully.

“Are you suggesting you haven't done so already?”

“Oh, that was just self-defence, yer lordship. Not the same thing at all.”

Lord Heversham inspected the dripping culprit. “Does it count from your point of view?” he asked the man mildly. The offender nodded back vigorously.

“I rather thought so. Very well, then, Forrest. Please just hand him over without any further violence to his person. Or frightening the fish.”

“Well, o'course, we don't actually know they were frightened,” said the irrepressible Forrest. “I mean, you've never actually been a fish, have you, yer lordship? For all we know, they could have had a very entertaining evening. It's not every night summat like this happens.”

_“Gott sei dank,”_ murmured Lord Heversham, who had spent so long on the Continent that he now had a tendency to slip into German in odd moments.

Forrest hauled the burglar unceremoniously away, and Lord Heversham returned to the house. He had got a little chilly, and was keen to be back under the blankets where he could warm up again. On the way back to his room, however, he tapped on the nursery door to let Miss Drummond know that she could put away the poker and return to her own bed. She put her head round the door in answer.

“Everything a' right now, my lord?” she enquired.

“Indeed, Miss Drummond. Forrest caught the burglar and, ah, dunked him in the pond.”

“Is that a' he did to him, my lord?” asked Miss Drummond.

“Do you know, Miss Drummond,” said Lord Heversham, “if I didn't know you better, I'd swear you sounded a little... disappointed.”


End file.
